The Silent Treatment

The silent treatment is something we have all done since we were old enough to talk. 

Remember when you parents wouldn't let you do or have something you wanted? "Fine! I'm not talking to you..." 

As we grow older we stop announcing that we aren't talking to someone. We want them to figure out what they have done wrong and we are going to punish them until they figure it out or come crawling to us asking "Did I do something to offend you?" 

Guess what everyone! THIS IS NOT GOOD! 

I myself am guilty of using the silent treatment. Sometimes its just easier to avoid people than confront the problems. (psst, avoiding people is just another form of silent treatment) 

So why do we give people the silent treatment? Well these are a few reasons I have done it. 

1. I don't want to forgive them. 

2. I'm hurt and want them to hurt as much as I do.

3. I don't want to upset them by bringing up an issue.

4. I need space.

All of these mentalities and motivations have backfired on me.

Number 1: You don't want to forgive them. 

Unfortunately forgiveness isn't just something that happens. It is a choice that we have to make and we are called to do it in scripture over and over and over and over again.

Matthew 6:14-15 

For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

Colossians 3:13
Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

There is plenty more scripture where that came from. Where do we get the impression that forgiveness is an emotion that just happens? God commands us to forgive and therefore we can choose to forgive and not to forgive. I think we often confuse forgiveness with meaning that our wounds are healed. Those are two different things. You can forgive and still be hurt. Cori Ten Boom, a holocaust survivor, puts it this way

 "For I had to do it—I knew that. The message that God forgives has a prior condition: that we forgive those who have injured us. ‘If you do not forgive men their trespasses,’ Jesus says, ‘neither will your Father in heaven forgive your trespasses. I knew it not only as a commandment of God, but as a daily experience. Since the end of the war I had had a home in Holland for victims of Nazi brutality. Those who were able to forgive their former enemies were able also to return to the outside world and rebuild their lives, no matter what the physical scars. Those who nursed their bitterness remained invalids. It was as simple and as horrible as that.And still I stood there with the coldness clutching my heart. But forgiveness is not an emotion—I knew that too. Forgiveness is an act of the will, and the will can function regardless of the temperature of the heart. ‘… Help!’ I prayed silently. ‘I can lift my hand. I can do that much. You supply the feeling" 

Read the rest of the story here: http://www.familylifeeducation.org/gilliland/procgroup/CorrieTenBoom.htm

Number 2: I'm hurt and I want to hurt them too.

This one is pretty simple as to why there is a problem. This kind of mentality means that you have bitterness and anger (and dare I say hatred?) in your heart towards that person. Romans 12:19 says "Do not take revenge my friends, but leave room for God's wrath..." There is sin in your heart that you need to deal with, just as much as the one who hurt you if this is your mentality. 

Number 3: I don't want to bring up the issue.

This does not work...the issue is there and it needs to be addressed. In the Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5) Jesus says "Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother..." Jesus wants us to reconcile with one another! I myself am especially guilty of not doing this. Even if it may not go well, it is better to communicate. 

Number 4: I need space.

Okay, you need space from the person. That's fine. (As long as you are not letting bitterness take root.) However, you do need to tell the person that you need space and do so in a loving way. While you are taking this space, be using that space to further your relationship with God and ask for his guidance in the relationship. Philippians 4:6 says "...in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving bring your prayers and petitions to the Lord." Furthermore, when you don't need the space anymore, make sure you reach out the person! 

Finally, I want to implore you all to make peace. Romans 12:18 says, "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone."

Does this mean that you have to be best friends with everyone? No. This means you need to live in peace with everyone! And this means doing all that you can to make peace and you can't make peace by not talking to the person. Instead, in love, reconcile to everyone. You want to be able to say to the Lord, "I have done all I possibly can, the rest is in your hands."

Honestly, I just learned this lesson the hard way. I would like to save you all the hassle! Instead of using the silent treatment on others, perhaps we should do a heart treatment on ourselves. I encourage all of you to examine your relationships and your heart. Do you need to leave your offering at altar and reconcile with someone? Don't wait! Go do it!