The silent treatment is something we have all done since we were
old enough to talk.
Remember when you parents wouldn't let you
do or have something you wanted? "Fine! I'm not talking to
you..."
As we grow older we stop announcing that
we aren't talking to someone. We want them to figure out what they have done
wrong and we are going to punish them until they figure it out or come crawling
to us asking "Did I do something to offend you?"
Guess what everyone! THIS IS NOT
GOOD!
I myself am guilty of using the silent
treatment. Sometimes its just easier to avoid people than confront the
problems. (psst, avoiding people is just another form of silent
treatment)
So why do we give people the silent
treatment? Well these are a few reasons I have done it.
1. I don't want to forgive them.
2. I'm hurt and want them to hurt as much
as I do.
3. I don't want to upset them by bringing
up an issue.
4. I need space.
All of these mentalities and motivations
have backfired on me.
Number 1: You don't want to forgive
them.
Unfortunately forgiveness isn't just
something that happens. It is a choice that we have to make and we are called
to do it in scripture over and over and over and over again.
Matthew 6:14-15
For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your
heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their
sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.
Colossians 3:13
Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
There
is plenty more scripture where that came from. Where do we get the impression
that forgiveness is an emotion that just happens? God commands us to forgive
and therefore we can choose to forgive and not to forgive. I think we often
confuse forgiveness with meaning that our wounds are healed. Those are two
different things. You can forgive and still be hurt. Cori Ten Boom, a holocaust survivor, puts it this way
"For I
had to do it—I knew that. The message that God forgives has a prior condition:
that we forgive those who have injured us. ‘If you do not forgive men their
trespasses,’ Jesus says, ‘neither will your Father in heaven forgive your
trespasses. I knew it not only as a commandment of God, but as a daily
experience. Since the end of the war I had had a home in Holland for victims of
Nazi brutality. Those who were able to forgive their former enemies were able
also to return to the outside world and rebuild their lives, no matter what the
physical scars. Those who nursed their bitterness remained invalids. It was as
simple and as horrible as that.And still I stood there with the coldness
clutching my heart. But forgiveness is not an emotion—I knew that too.
Forgiveness is an act of the will, and the will can function regardless of the
temperature of the heart. ‘… Help!’ I prayed silently. ‘I can lift my hand. I
can do that much. You supply the feeling"
Read the rest of
the story here: http://www.familylifeeducation.org/gilliland/procgroup/CorrieTenBoom.htm
Number 2: I'm hurt and I
want to hurt them too.
This one is pretty simple as to
why there is a problem. This kind of mentality means that you have bitterness
and anger (and dare I say hatred?) in your heart towards that person. Romans
12:19 says "Do not take revenge my friends, but leave room for God's
wrath..." There is sin in your heart that you need to deal with, just as
much as the one who hurt you if this is your mentality.
Number 3: I don't want to bring
up the issue.
This does not work...the issue
is there and it needs to be addressed. In the Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5)
Jesus says "Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and
there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift
there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your
brother..." Jesus wants us to reconcile with one another! I myself am
especially guilty of not doing this. Even if it may not go well, it is better
to communicate.
Number 4: I need space.
Okay, you need space from the
person. That's fine. (As long as you are not letting bitterness take root.)
However, you do need to tell the person that you need space and do so in a
loving way. While you are taking this space, be using that space to further
your relationship with God and ask for his guidance in the relationship.
Philippians 4:6 says "...in every situation, by prayer and petition, with
thanksgiving bring your prayers and petitions to the Lord." Furthermore,
when you don't need the space anymore, make sure you reach out the
person!
Finally, I want to implore you
all to make peace. Romans 12:18 says, "If it is possible, as far as it
depends on you, live at
peace with everyone."
Does this mean that you have to
be best friends with everyone? No. This means you need to live in peace with everyone! And this means doing
all that you can to make peace and you can't make peace by not talking to the
person. Instead, in love, reconcile to everyone. You want to be able to say to
the Lord, "I have done all I possibly can, the rest is in your
hands."
Honestly, I just learned this
lesson the hard way. I would like to save you all the hassle! Instead of using
the silent treatment on others, perhaps we should do a heart treatment on
ourselves. I encourage all of you to examine your relationships and your heart.
Do you need to leave your offering at altar and reconcile with someone? Don't
wait! Go do it!
